Below is a short blog I wrote back in November 2010 about a two year long off and on draining relationship finally coming to a close. I always felt so vulernerable around this person, and if a part I'm playing requires this trait I refer back to these words I have written.
"Mistakes Washed Away"
I couldn't put it off any longer. The few clothes I own that actually don't swim on me due to my weight loss were piling up, and begging to be baptized in the washer. It really wasn't because I was procrastinating on doing laundry. I can't stand it when my clothes are not clean. The simple black scoop neck top I wore the last time I saw him, it still had his scent. I had worn it to work that day, and had picked it out because it was form fitting, and revealed my body. I wanted to look good for him, and let him see how much weight I had lost. Surely things would be different this time when we tried again. I would finally be enough for him because I had lost fifty pounds. We fell into a long embrace when we met face to face last time. His strong hand slowly moved down my back, and over the thin material of the black top. "Yes" I thought "He finally feels the same way about me." I melted in his arms. His hand still descending down my spine. "He can actually feel my ribs, and my curves." I thought again smiling to myself.
Later that night, the black sweater I wore. His hands around my waist when we were dancing. My jeans...his arm rested on my leg to hold my hand during the movie we saw. These articles all still smelled of him after two weeks. How could I have ever thought he was going to be truthful? I wanted to believe him so much. I loved him so much! It was never meant to be. It took me two years to realize this. He abandoned me again after this night. A few days later I saw he had met someone. His profile picture on facebook is of him dancing closely with another woman. My weight was never the issue. It was just me period. He could not love the person I was. And how could he when I didn't even like myself.
Sometimes in life we have major breakthroughs. I now understand that when I met him he gave me the most amazing rush of self confidence, I couldn't get enough. I was always like a crack addict with him chasing after that first high. Confidence and self love can only come from within us. I don't need you anymore. I am learning to finally love myself, and never let any man treat me poorly again.
The washer just shut off. I am now cleansed of you, and of the weak person I used to be.